For Boredom's Sake: Eric's Tale - Chapter I: Hell is Hell

For Boredom's Sake: Eric's Tale

Chapter I: Hell is Hell
By Eric Greer


Sir Eric the Black of Door of the Knights of the Odder Table was dead, stabbed eighty seven times, hanged from a tree, drowned, poisoned, and hit in the head with a hammer. It wasn't these things that killed him; no, twas the donkey that sat on him: he was smothered and crushed to death. When he awoke again, he found himself standing in a long line, so long that he couldn't see the end. Looking around, he saw only rolling hills of grass as far the eye could see, the sun hanging motionless in the sky amidst happy, puffy white clouds. It looked suspiciously similar to the default background from Windows XP.
He stood there for what felt like days, as the line didn't seem to be moving. From time to time a plump woman would walk down the line, passing out refreshments and treats, though these drinks weren't very refreshing; they actually seemed to make him thirstier. The candies and cakes they passed around were also strange, as they made him hungrier.
After standing in this unmoving line for some time, he decided to get to the bottom of this mystery. So he waited for the plump woman to come by and asked her where the Hell he was.
"In Hell, of course, dear," she said with a smile.
"In Hell?" he yelled. "What the Hell am I doing in Hell?"
"Well, you are dead, dear, and you were a very terrible person in life," she said. "And, you know, Hell is reserved for terrible people!"
"How was I a terrible person?!" demanded Eric.
"Hmm, let me see," she said, taking out a small black book. After turning the pages for some time, she stopped. "Here we are, dear. Hmm, murder, tax fraud, black mail, burning of a church, not giving homeless people any change (which you had plenty of), attempts to contact the dead, and you danced with the Devil. Mind you, that is just the first paragraph! I must admit, you were good to your parents, and you didn't commit any adultery: good for you, dear."
"Ah, good point...." said Eric, considering this. "Well, Hell is... different than what I expected. Rolling hills of green grass, blue skies, white, puffy clouds; what was with all of the brimstone and hellfire stuff I always heard about?" he asked.
"We're trying something different, at the moment. Less, 'eternal suffering,' more, 'How do you do? Could I interest you in some tea?' The Dark Lord's gotten kind of tired of being the bad guy, so he's trying to change his image," she said with a smile.
"I see," said Eric. "Well, what's at the end of this line?"
"Nothing," she said with a smile.
"Nothing?"
"Nothing," she said.
"Nothing?"
"Nothing," she said, her smile not changing one bit.
"Why are we in line, then?" he asked.
"As punishment, of course; we don't want everyone thinking they can go about killing and raping each other without some consequences!" she smiled.
"So, you put us in a line?" asked Eric, sinking deeper and deeper into confusion.
"Of course! You humans are a very impatient lot; what could be worse than being stuck in line for eternity?" she said with her horrible smile.
"Good point," said Eric.
"Could I interest you in some refreshments?" she asked.
"No, thanks," he said glumly.
And with that, the woman moved on down the line, pushing her little trolley of drinks and treats.
So, this was it; he was in Hell.
It's not that bad, he thought to himself. No lakes of fire or demons with pitchforks poking you in the ass. It's actually kind of, I don't know, pleasant.
And so Eric stood in line. But the woman was right; humans were impatient. After some time, Eric started to get very angry. Soon, he was cursing at those in front of him, telling them to hurry their asses up and what not.
There was no sleep in Hell, no food or drinks to quench hunger and thirst, only what the woman passed out, which only increased their desires.
He soon found himself crying for mercy, though there was no answer. There were no sounds, actually. His fellow damned were all silent, and, upon looking at them closer, found that their faces were expressionless, their mouths hanging open some. Eric began to question whether or not they were actually real. Upon questioning the trolley lady, he found that they were, in fact, real people, but they had been in line for so long that they had gone insane, retreating to their minds. This prospect frightened Eric even more. Would he, too, be reduced to nothing more than a standing shell, doomed to be trapped in his own mind in madness?
And so he stood, rather disheartened and glum, quiet and still.

After some time he began to talk to the voices in his head.
There was Dave, and Chuck, and John, and Henry, and Dave the Second, and Chuck the Second, and John the Second, and Henry the Second, and Dave the Small, and Chuck the Texas Ranger guy, and John the Tall, and Henry the Seahorse Hearted, and so forth.
There was also a girl, named Julietta, though she didn't talk much.
And so he descended into madness, talking to his new friends.
"I'm bored," said John.
"Me too," said Dave.
"Me three," said Henry and Chuck at the same time.
"I said it first!" yelled Chuck.
"No you didn't, you liar!" yelled Henry.
"Yes he did!" yelled Chuck the Texas Ranger guy, kicking Henry in the side of the head.
"Thanks!" said Chuck, a smile on his face.
Bang! and Chuck went to the ground as Chuck the Texas Ranger guy punched him in the face.
"Me three," he said, looking down at Henry and Chuck, now motionless on the white floor.
They all sat in a black expanse in Eric's mind, a white light coming from somewhere above shining light on the group.
"This sucks," said Eric. "Why did I have to go to Hell?"
"You've asked that about two hundred times, now," said Henry the Seahorse Hearted. "We're getting kind of tired of it, really."
"Oh, sorry," said Eric.
"So, anyone want to play a game of Go-Fish?" asked John the Tall, pulling out a pack of playing cards.
"Can't we play poker or something?" asked Chuck, slowly getting up from the floor.
"Go-Fish is the only game I know how to play," said Eric flatly, "so, in turn, Go-Fish is the only game any of you know how to play."
"Damn," said Chuck. "I'll pass."
And so John the Tall dealt out the cards.
"I'm so depressed," groaned Eric after awhile. "This is boring."
"Oh, shut up!" yelled everyone together.
"Sorry."
After some time, these people began to grow tired of Eric altogether. And so they decided to get rid of him. Grabbing him, they all held him down in the center of the light. Chuck the Texas Ranger guy pulled a large axe from behind his back and lifted it over his head, about to swing.
"Stop!" yelled Julietta.
I'm saved!
"Why?!" yelled the group.
Good old Julietta.
"Because," she said slowly, "we should burn him!"
Oh, poo.
And so they erected a tall pole in the center of the light, and tied Eric to it. They all walked out into the shadows, out of sight, coming back with wood and branches in their arms, which they piled below him.
"You don't have to do this!" pleaded Eric. "I'll shut up! I promise! Look! I'm being quiet! Please let me down? Pleeeeaaaaaase?! Oh god, I don't want to die again! Please! Someone let me down! I'll leave the light spot! I'll go and live in the shadows! Please! PLEASE!"
But it was no good. After awhile the pile below him was quite large and they all went back into the shadows. They didn't return for some time, and Eric began to think that he was saved. But out in the darkness he could see small lights appear, mere pinpricks in the shadows. But they began to grown larger. They were all around him, as far as he could tell, all coming closer and closer.
Soon they were back, wearing black robes- and carrying large torches.
"Bye, Eric!" they all said, smiling insanely.
"No!" he yelled. "No bye! Hello! Hello! No bye!" He began to wriggle against the ropes holding him to the pole.
"Bye, Eric!" they said again.
He began to wriggle harder and harder, feeling the ropes slacken some, but too late!
With another "Bye, Eric!" they threw their torches into the pile of timber below him. Soon the pile was ablaze, the flames tickling Eric's feet. He kept wriggling and lo! the ropes gave way. And so he fell into the fire, his eyes closed.
But he didn't feel the burn he was expecting. He didn't feel anything, actually.
Opening his eyes, he found that he was back in Hell.
"That was scary," he said to himself, wiping the sweat from his face.
Looking around him, he noticed that everyone in front of him and behind him were no longer still and expressionless, but were pushing away from him, and the trolley lady was running away in the opposite direction, her trolley lying on it's side, drinks and treats scattered across the grass.
"Hmm?" he said, looking around in confusion. And, looking up, he saw it: a giant hand reaching down from the sky, coming right at him. He stood there, quite alone, looking very much like a moron, an expression of utter horror on his face, his arms hanging limp at his sides. He managed to say, "Oh, fu-" before it wrapped it's huge fingers around him, pulling him back up into the sky.
And so, he knew no more.


Copyright 2008-2011 by Eric Greer. All rights reserved.