For Boredom's Sake: Eric's Tale
Chapter 10: Introducing Erin Bamphris
By Eric Greer
Eric was tired. It felt as if he had slept for fourteen months or so, but it was really only twelve hours. He hadn't meant to sleep so long, but after such a long and wearisome journey, his body decided otherwise.
As he walked across the room to stretch his legs, he peered out through the frosted windows. Outside he was relieved to see that the two ships were still at port, with men scurrying around the docks, fighting the frigid winds as they quickly unloaded the ships of their cargo, placing the large crates and barrels onto small wagons to be pulled into the nearby warehouses.
Walking down the stairs into the tavern, he spied the Liam fellow slouched in the far corner. His faced was obscured by his hands, but he was easily recognizable by his brown robes and the broken harp still hanging from his back.
"How was your night, apprentice adventurer?" he asked as he sat down beside him, heartily slapping the man on shoulder.
"Quite terrible, I'm afraid," said Liam, lowering his hand as he looked up.
"By the gods, man, what has happened to your face?" exclaimed Eric. The lad now sported a swollen lip and a blackened left eye.
"The ladies were very kind, and I quite enjoyed myself while it lasted, but they weren't too pleased to find that I had no money to give them for their services. The elder sister has quite a fist," he said, rubbing his eye.
Eric could hardly stifle his laugh.
"I would say that I'm sorry for putting you in such a situation, but I would be lying," he said, setting free the swelled up laughter.
Liam slumped down into his chair, once again covering his face.
Suddenly, the door to the whores' room opened, and out came the sisters, looking quite worse for wear. Seeing them, Liam somehow managed to shrink himself down even more, looking all the more pathetic. Turning slightly, he started to say something - until he realized that Eric was no longer seated next to him, but two tables over.
Liam looked flabbergasted that he hadn't heard the man get up. Shaking his head, he tried to get his attention while at the same time trying to conceal himself from the sisters'. Seeing this, Eric awkwardly averted his gaze away from the lad, suddenly finding the filthy chandelier above them quite interesting.
"Mornin'," grunted the innkeeper as he walked to Eric's table and picked up a few derelict mugs. "Sleep well?"
"Well, actually-" he started, but the innkeeper simply moped back to the bar, his arms dangling limply at his sides. "Lovely. Just lovely," he said to himself sarcastically. He was now sure that for this inn to still be in business, it must be the only on in Tal - or Saros for that matter.
Getting up, he walked up to the bar.
Looking up, the innkeeper pulled a face and groaned, setting the mugs onto the bar. "Oh gods, now what?"
"I was just going to ask if the captains of the ships outside had been in this morning," he said, becoming quite aggravated. Customer service was obviously not a priority at this establishment.
"Look, I don't know," groaned the man as he placed the uncleaned mugs back into the cupboard below the bar. "Do you really expect me to keep up with every person who comes into the inn?" he asked, waving his hand across the room. Looking, Eric saw only the three whores talking to the innkeeper's wife, a man dozing near the hearth, and Liam tucked away in the corner. As he turned around, he saw the door behind the bar close and heard loud string of cursing from within.
"The gods must have cursed this rock," he said, going back to his table.
As he made his way across the room, the front door opened as three sailors entered the room, loudly talking to one another over the howling wind - or so Eric thought: even after they had closed the door, they continued to obnoxiously converse in raised voices, bellowing with laughter. As they walked across the room to the bar, Eric attempted to tune them out - until one of them stereotypically said, "Aye, cap'n!'
Almost falling out of his seat, Eric turned and watched as the trio made their way across the room.
"I say, are you the captain of one of those two fine sailing vessels moored in the harbor?" he asked, attempting his best posh accent. He figured that if he could trick them into thinking that he was a rich, wayward traveler, they might try to take advantage of his naive self (and his wallet) - thus making it easier for him to secure passage off of Saros.
"Aye, mister..." said the man in the middle. No gaudy, oversized hat, unfortunately.
"Bamphris. Erin Bamphris of the house Bamphris, my good man," he lied in a posh accent, walking to the bar and shaking the captain's hand. He recalled conning a man by that name some time ago, a rich, miserly baron of some sort. At best they might recognize the name and lend his story some credibility, and at the very least it would provide him cover. "Fate has dealt me a cruel hand I'm afraid: I came to this isle a few weeks ago on the good ship Pimpherninny on the promise of some adventure. Unfortunately, I was waylaid by a few bandits outside of one of the villages south of here. They took my clothes and my baggage and left me to fend for myself in the wild South." He began to sob slightly, attempting to appear to be in a tizzy.
"Unfortunate indeed, but how does this concern me?" asked the captain.
"Well, like I said, I was waylaid, and though they stole all of my clothes, they did not find my pocket gold hidden in my secret spot," he said, with a sly wink (this appeared to make the captain slightly uncomfortable). "A kindly villager found me and nursed me back to health, in addition to clothing my nakedness. But, by the time I reached Tal, the Pimpherninny had set sail without me. Now I find myself in need of passage my good captain."
"My ship ain't no cruise ship, Lord Bamphris," the captain said gruffly.
"I understand, captain, but I believe I have enough money to secure a small room and a little food to maintain me. I shant be a nuisance, I promise! I understand your course is set for Steven's Town?"
"Steven's Town? No, we're going to Audier to the north," replied the captain.
"Oh, excellent! Even better!" he said excitedly, clapping his hands together. "What say you, captain? Do you have a small room on your ship for someone like myself?"
"I don't know..." said the captain.
"Oh, please, captain! Even a closet would do!"
The captain looked at his companions. Neither of them looked very bright, though one looked rather smitten with Lord Bamphris; that certainly was not expected.
"Sixty gold pieces and we have a deal. But," he said, "you stay out of the way."
"Oh, marvelous! Absolutely marvelous! I shall be as quiet as a whisper, my good sirs!" For added effect, he jumped up and down, silently clapping his hands."
"Aye, we've just finished unloading the last of the cargo. My mates and I were just about to pay the sisters one final visit before we go," he said, nodding to the whores in the corner, bickering at one another.
"Oh, that's... nice... of you," he said. "It's good that you take care of the help, I suppose."
"Aye. We should be casting off within the hour, so be down at the docks before we set sail," he said.
"Will do, oh captain, my captain!" said Eric, er, I mean Erin, saluting the captain and his mates.
"Actually," said the captain, turning around. "The boys and I could use a little extra coin. It's going to be a long journey. How's about you pay up front?"
"Oh, why of course," he said, digging through his pockets for the satchel of coins. A few moments later he had sixty coins in his hands. "Here you go, my good man!"
"Thanks, matey. Remember, within the hour."
"Yes, sir!" said Erin in mock excitement, saluting the sailors once more.
And with that the three of them walked across the room to the whores. The lead sister stood up, but before she could say anything, the captain dropped his coin satchel between her breasts, and in unison, the sailors picked up the girls and ran to their room, as the girls giggled and mocked screamed.
Sixty coins up front. That left him with just enough With that he proceeded to order some breakfast, eat it as messily as possible, and flirt with the innkeeper's wife. By the time Eric had started kissing the woman passionately, the innkeeper charged at him - then found himself on the floor after being punched square in the face, covered in his own blood.
"Customer service really is important, you know," gloated Eric as he stood above the man, his arm around his awe-struck wife.
"Mugaflob," was all the innkeeper could muster as Eric leaned down and placed his last coin on his bloodied forehead. He was fairly certain his nose was broken.
Placing his room key in her hands, and with a final kiss on the woman's forehead, Eric raised his head high and left, leaving the front door open as he headed for the docks.
In the corner, Liam watched in shock at everything that had happened. He waited several minutes to find the courage to get up and leave, but when the innkeeper began to stir, he made due with fear and bolted out the door.
Copyright 2013 by Eric Greer. All rights reserved.
